15

Maya,

Yesterday, your father and I decided to give up the dream of having our own child.  We don’t want to go to the special doctor and pay so much money for something that is not certain, and with so many children in the foster care system, how can we ignore them?  Nervously, I called the DCF system and got in touch with a very nice woman named Lori.  She is sending us out a packet and all I can think of is how excited we are when we think about Ch & Te’s kids, Na & Li.  They are so beautiful, so well-adjusted.  No one would ever know they were not their kids.

We relaxed, knowing that our MAPP classes were scheduled for November 8th, plenty of time to finish painting the interior of the house and get everything baby-proofed.  “We’ll be done by Christmas!”, we thought.

So I was a little sad at having to give up my dream of you being a perfect blend of Tom & me.  His beautiful curly hair and my blue eyes.  Those Hendricks eyes passed on from every generation for at least 5 back.  I would miss you so much, but I could give you up if it meant giving another child a home; doing good for another family.

My medicines weren’t working anyhow, I took the medicine to cause a cycle and it didn’t work, my period never came and I just felt like a bloated beached whale, and no one likes to feel like that.  Especially when there are children who need love, there is no reason to take these fake hormones.

I have one pregnancy test left.  I used to hold on to it like a talisman.  “Maybe, just maybe….”  It was time to give up the ghost.  I couldn’t just throw it out, so I decided to take it.  One last marker of our infertility.

I brushed my teeth while the digital design calculated.  Ugh, finish, so I can throw it out.  And there it was, clear as day.  Pregnant.

This can’t be right.  We’re adopting.  We decided.  There’s no way!  I’ve been on pills to have a period!

I rush through my morning, I run to Publix and buy two more tests.  I drink water all the way there to have enough pee.

This can’t be.  I can’t lose this child.  Cluster of cells though it may be, I can’t lose you.

Each test I take in the bathroom at work is positive.  Very clear, dark pink.

I can’t think anymore.  What if these pills cause me to lose you, Maya?  Ehren?

My doctor’s appointment is tomorrow, hopefully everything is okay with that.

We love you, pleae hang on!!

<3, Eden