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Hey baby!

We got your dad’s labwork back yesterday.  Some stuff got better, some stuff was the exact same as last time.  They’ve put me on pills now to start me cycling regularly.  I should start taking those in a week or two, but they don’t think it will do any good.  The special doctor doesn’t want to see me before I got on these pills though.  I was frustrated last night.  I’m tired of hearing bad news go to worse when your dad is trying so hard to lose weight, to take his medications, to stay alive for so long for you & me.  I feel conflicted on whether to seek medical treatment for our difficulties or just adopt, knowing we can give our love to any child, not just our own biological one.

I got mad after painting the spare room.  I took out my little hope chest of baby clothes and toys, and even the blank baby book we bought last Christmas (as a talisman for trying to concieve) and stuffed it in a bag.  I wanted to throw it off of a hill and watch it tumble and cascade.  I thought about the little language caterpillar Tom & I bought when we were shopping for your cousin and then kept because we were giddy.  I thought about the alien onesie we saw on sale at Target and the kitty hat we bought from the discount bins.  We talked late into the nights about cloth diapering and making our own baby food and taking you to the park.

I thought about those toys, those books, those clothes, stained with dirt.  How sad my dreams would look if I threw them off of a hill.  I cried.  I felt like I couldn’t move.  I missed you, more than I ever have before.  Your dad hugged me and we cried together and then I remembered how much love he and I have.  We talked about you, how much you’d be firey like your gross-oma since you’d be named Anneliese after her.  We talked about taking you pottery painting and lunches at the beach.  We talked that if you were Ehren, how dad would run with you in the backyard, playing catch and tag.

We decided to stay positive in spite of the pills that they think won’t help.  We decided how far we want the doctor to help us to meet you, just 3 rounds of a special procedure called IUI.  After that, we’ll adopt through the state.  Maya, Ehren: you have to know how much we think of you.  We think of you all the time.

<3, Eden