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September 8, 2008 - Leave a Response

Hi Ehren!

At the risk of jinxing ourselves, we decided to tell immediate family.  I just don’t know if I can hang onto my excitement just Tom & I for two whole months!

Yesterday, we went over to your Oma & Opa’s and told them our great news.  Your Uncle Charlie was there too.  Everyone was very excited.  Your Oma made the boys stop the football game on the big screen so your dad and I could make the big announcement.  Now it is fingers crossed until November 1st!

Also, we’re telling your grampa tomorrow.  I don’t know if he is going to be outright excited, or stunned for awhile and THEN excited.  I am nervous about telling him, but I know he’ll love you either way.

Today was my last day of bloodwork.  My right arm is bruised pretty righteously.  I got blood taken from the same spot two times in 3 days!  Just one more little mark of you!

I still think you’re a boy.  Your dad still thinks you’re a girl.

We’ll see.

<3, Eden

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September 5, 2008 - Leave a Response

Hello Ehren!

Wow, the different between talking to what I imagine you would be and talking to YOU is so different.  Every time I wake up, I know that even for a little bit, I am some little cluster of cell’s mom.  For real, not that dreaming stuff.

After 3 positive tests yesterday, I made a doctor’s appointment for today.  I had to find out what was going on.  The sharp pangs in my lower back made me think that perhaps you are an ectopic pregnancy, in which case, my conversations with you would have to cease.  I was so nervous on the drive over, and then, as soon as I walk into the doctor’s office, they give me this giant party favor bag with merchandising and marketing samples and tell me “congratulations!” and I am mortified.  What if you are ectopic?  Do I leave the bag here?  I know I am not strong enough to take it home!

After waiting 2 long hours in the waiting room, all the while so nervous and so sleepy (between the “morning” sickness and nervousness, I did not get much sleep last night!), Dr. Rashada gave me an intrauterine sonography and there you were!  My little cluster of cells is right there, looking beautiful and strong.  Dr. Rashada thinks you’re at about 5 weeks which will make you due about May 7th.  For the first time since Thursday morning, I shed some tears.  I am happy.

As an aside, the pain I am feeling in my lower back is residual stuff from the Clomid where my ovary cyst is still ginormous and looks like this:

which is causing it to press up against my spine.  Fortunately, this should go away in another 10 weeks.  Then we will be out of the woods as far as miscarriage too.  Around November 1st is when we can share the news with friends and family and I am praying very hard everything goes okay through then (and beyond!)

Tomorrow and Monday I have labwork done to determine if I need supplemental progesterone to ensure you stick around.  You have no idea how excited we are, and trying to contain ourselves in spite of it.

I still think you’re a boy.  Your dad still thinks you’re a girl.  We should know by the beginning of December, so we can settle a big Christmas debate!

I love you.  Oh, I never knew I could love like this, despite my morning sickness.

<3, Eden

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September 4, 2008 - Leave a Response

Maya,

Yesterday, your father and I decided to give up the dream of having our own child.  We don’t want to go to the special doctor and pay so much money for something that is not certain, and with so many children in the foster care system, how can we ignore them?  Nervously, I called the DCF system and got in touch with a very nice woman named Lori.  She is sending us out a packet and all I can think of is how excited we are when we think about Ch & Te’s kids, Na & Li.  They are so beautiful, so well-adjusted.  No one would ever know they were not their kids.

We relaxed, knowing that our MAPP classes were scheduled for November 8th, plenty of time to finish painting the interior of the house and get everything baby-proofed.  “We’ll be done by Christmas!”, we thought.

So I was a little sad at having to give up my dream of you being a perfect blend of Tom & me.  His beautiful curly hair and my blue eyes.  Those Hendricks eyes passed on from every generation for at least 5 back.  I would miss you so much, but I could give you up if it meant giving another child a home; doing good for another family.

My medicines weren’t working anyhow, I took the medicine to cause a cycle and it didn’t work, my period never came and I just felt like a bloated beached whale, and no one likes to feel like that.  Especially when there are children who need love, there is no reason to take these fake hormones.

I have one pregnancy test left.  I used to hold on to it like a talisman.  “Maybe, just maybe….”  It was time to give up the ghost.  I couldn’t just throw it out, so I decided to take it.  One last marker of our infertility.

I brushed my teeth while the digital design calculated.  Ugh, finish, so I can throw it out.  And there it was, clear as day.  Pregnant.

This can’t be right.  We’re adopting.  We decided.  There’s no way!  I’ve been on pills to have a period!

I rush through my morning, I run to Publix and buy two more tests.  I drink water all the way there to have enough pee.

This can’t be.  I can’t lose this child.  Cluster of cells though it may be, I can’t lose you.

Each test I take in the bathroom at work is positive.  Very clear, dark pink.

I can’t think anymore.  What if these pills cause me to lose you, Maya?  Ehren?

My doctor’s appointment is tomorrow, hopefully everything is okay with that.

We love you, pleae hang on!!

<3, Eden

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August 25, 2008 - Leave a Response

Hello Maya,

Your Oma & Opa just came back from a 3 week stay in Germany.  It is nice to have them back, but it was also nice to have three weeks of weekend all to myself.  I did not have to go anywhere that I didn’t want to, and it was gorgeous!

One weekend while they were gone, we went over to their house and went swimming with your uncles, your aunt, and your cousin, Sophia.  Sophia still thinks I am fun to play with and we spent about an hour on the floor playing with light up blocks and squishy blocks, and crinkly blocks.  For that one hour, it did not feel so lonely.   I felt no pressure with your oma not being there; it felt relaxing to play with Sophia.

Now I am on a slew of hormone pills, my last set that I have from our regular doctor.  I have an appointment with a specialist on my birthday.  Hopefully there will be some good birthday news!  I’ve been having a difficult time with this lately, and I don’t know what the next step will be if IUI doesn’t work for us.  I am still ambivalent about adoption through the state.

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July 31, 2008 - Leave a Response

Hi Ehren,

I went to the doctor’s on Tuesday.  They said everything is probably fine, I just likely ovulated way early.  Now we’re on to round 2/3.  If this one is unsuccessful, then we’ll call the RE and set up our appointment for consultation.  but first, I have some other stuff I wanted to tell you.

I’ve been reading parenting books lately while biding my time.  That’s right!  I come from an only-child family, with only one younger cousin.  I have very little babysitting experience, but I do have a knack for talking to kids for the most part.  The one I am reading right now is “The Power of Positive Parenting” by Drs. William Mitchell and Charles Paul Conn.  As I pore over the pages, I realize that the powers of positive anything are a big help.  You know, the same thing that Rhonda what’s-her-name was saying in that book, “The Secret”.  Think positive, and it will happen.

It occurred to me last night I have seriously gotten away from my positive outlook.  Instead of believing that this WILL happen, I have turned into a pessimistic, whiny girl.  A spoiled brat who doesn’t get what she wants.  As soon as I let go of everything and trust that it will happen, I felt an overwhelming sense of calm.  I enjoy being with your dad more than anything I can imagine, and if you arrive, then you do.  If not, then we will still madly love one another.

I am very hopeful that this will be our lucky month!  Unless I get another 17 day barrel of fun, I test on the day your grandparents arrive back home from Germany, and what a way to greet them!  What a way to greet YOU!

We love you.  Always.

<3, Eden

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July 28, 2008 - One Response

Sometimes in the midst of the big couch of problems, you find something that you’ve been missing.  Not really a superlative metaphor, but on Friday, I had a sofa-bed of frustration but I found some spare change in amongst the cushions.

Friday, on day 17 of my cycle, I started a new cycle.  This is way too early.  This isn’t supposed to happen.  I was so upset, and I don’t know why.  And I absolutely know why.  I am in the bargaining stage of losing you, Maya.  I plead with higher powers that I’ll give up caffeine, I’ll think nice of people who I am not prone to thinking nice about, I will take every pill at the same time each day, I will take my vitamins with fierce regularity, I will swim 2x a week and lose weight, I will do so much, if only I can have you.  I was sure my pleas were being heard.  I was absolutely going to beat the odds this month!  Then, my period came.

Which brings me to an interesting point.  I write here because I know very well no one that I know in my real day-to-day life wants to hear me whine about such personal topics.  I don’t even like to hear myself whine!  Yet here I am, saddened, calling the doctor for an appointment tomorrow to figure out what went wrong.

Friday, the heartbreak was horrible.  Delusions were shattered (perhaps for the best), and I did not want to cook dinner.  Tom took me out to our favorite Indian food place and to my joyous surprise, we’ve become regulars!  It made me smile to see our regular waiter & waitress smile at us and ask if we were going to order our regular dishes, and they had our appetizer ready in record time for us!  They are so nice and sweet, and I love that I am supporting a local vegetarian restaurant.  It makes the drive there worth it 110% of the time!

Saturday, we were doing well!  We worked in the yard, and I thought of you picking up the pinecones and putting them in a bucket for us, just like how I helped my mom and dad with yardwork.  Then we’d go inside and make bird-in-the-nests and take a nap.

Sunday was not a good day.  Everyone was together at your Oma & Opa’s and they were fawning over Sophia, watching her eat a cracker.  Every family member was cooing and congratulating her and taking pictures of her.  I couldn’t stand it.  It seems more and more the measure of value is the ability to reproduce, and it’s the one thing I cannot seem to do.  I am more and more afraid to adopt now because I wonder if my child would be treated like a second-class citizen to her cousin, especially by her cousin’s mother, who tried for 6 years for Sophia, only to ostracize everyone once she had Sophia.

Are all these things so selfish?  I hate whining, I hate running to the bathroom to cry at family gatherings, I hate feeling worthless for this.  I wish I could “grow up”.

11

July 23, 2008 - Leave a Response

Hi Maya!

We’ve been having a lot of fun working on my new craft business selling toddler shirts and stuffed toys.  It is working out to be a nice creative outlet without getting frustrated over too much.  It gives us a legitimate reason to troll around baby clothing stores looking for shirts we can use as a base for our appliques and stencils, while also satisfying our tactile need to be close to baby things.  Two birds!

Your cousin Sophia is nearly a year old now!  It’s difficult to believe that she is already crawling like crazy.  Your Uncle Charlie is madly in love with her, and I hope that he is also in love with you when you come along!  She will be celebrating her birthday in Colombia with her mom’s family.  I remember when she used to love me best of all – her first smile was for me!  Now she couldn’t care less about who I am!  Such is the life in the world of baby’s learning skills!  :)

Remember when I was teasing about your dad forbidding me to read articles on the internet about the pills I am on?  I’ve also been banned from reading about the effects of caffeine on our efforts to conceive.  My Diet Dr Pepper habit has been going on for some time, but it recently occurred to me while making up my fancy babymakin’ calendar that my mass caffeine consumption could be hampering our efforts.  Now, I am a firm believer that we all have one BIG vice.  Sometimes more.  I’ve managed to curtail my cursing quite a bit over the years, but my love of diet soda is a much more difficult one to break.  I quit smoking back in college, I never started drinking, preferring to be the designated driver with the wristband and the free sodas, and despite being from California, I have never once smoked pot.  I want you very much, Maya, so I hope you’ll come despite my lame efforts regarding giving up soda.

We love you so much.  You’re going to be gorgeous!!

<3, Eden

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July 14, 2008 - Leave a Response

Hey Ehren,

Your dad has all but forbade me to read anything on the internet about the pills I am on, as he thinks they discourage me (he is entirely right!), with their talk of negative side effects and low success rates.  When I was first on these pills, I was elated; euphoric!  It was like your dad & I were just married all over again and we flirted and had fun and we were not stressed about the drugs and tests and doctors like we have been the past few months.  Now I am a bit achy, but it’s nothing that I can’t handle.  I am working on cutting back my Diet Dr. Pepper habits for you too, little one.  It’s definitely difficult but it makes me realize how addicted I am to the stuff.

We had our friends Ge & Ka over last night.  We had a nice time playing our Zombies!! board game and we had these delicious cookies (oatmeal scotchie for me!) at a new cookie bar that just popped up in town!  It was delicious, and I hope that we can have a family date night there one night.

<3, Eden

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July 9, 2008 - Leave a Response

5 Smells I love:

- tempera paint. The kind we used for grade school posters.

- golden cupcakes baking in the oven. I feel like a magician making cupcakes in our house.

- suntan lotion. My family always broke it out whenever we were going somewhere fun and exciting like the beach or Disneyland

- Tom’s aftershave. It doesn’t matter what it is, it just smells like boy and it’s on him. :)

- organic cotton clothing. I love the clean, soft scent that accompanies the earthy fabric.

8

July 2, 2008 - Leave a Response

Hi Maya!

You dad & I had a really great time seeing Wall-E last Friday!  We both took the day off just to have a date together, playing hooky from work and just enjoying one another.

There were about 10 of us in the movie theater, since we saw the matinee.  One couple was a little boy and his mom and after every trailer preview he would whisper (but in that whisper that is so loud for kindergarteners!) “Ohhh, that looks like a GOOD movie!”  Tom & I burst into giggles more than once at him.

After the movie, we got to try the lunch buffet for the first time at our favorite Indian restaurant in Longwood.  Normally, we can only go on the weekends, which makes having the buffet impossible.  It was delicious; with all sorts of new flavors and veggies to try.  I had died and gone to vegetarian heaven!  Your dad got two servings of the dessert badam halwa and we split that.

Last night we baked cupcakes to welcome your Oma & Opa back to Florida.  They had gone on a cruise in Canada for 10 days, and I really missed them.  I never cease to be amazed that Oma & I have grown so close.  I really needed her in my life after my mom left.  The cupcakes were chocolate with triple chocolate icing and nonpareils on top!  Ironically, this is the same sort of cupcake that I had on my first birthday when I was a baby!

Things have been going well, and we’re keeping our faith that the next four months will yield something wonderful for us!!

We love you!

<3, Eden

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